Dad's perspective

Up until now Josi has made all the Jacobs blog posts with some of my interjection and minor edits, but truly the words and feelings were for the most part hers. I'd like to try and convey some of my thoughts and feelings through this pregnancy and the heartfelt and truly emotional rollercoaster I've faced too. Josi's words are a true joy to read and I so look forward to reading her posts as her sweet personality and heartfelt feelings offer encouragement and warmth to me. It is a tribute to her love and strength as a wife and mother.
I've thought of writing my own post in the past but each time I actually thought about what to write, my mind raced in different directions and emotions welled up to the point of frustration and I gave up. I'm trying to overcome that and share what is on my heart though words cannot convey it seems what I'm truly experiencing and feeling.

Earlier in the pregnancy before we knew anything about Samuel's problems I fed off Josi's happy emotions as I got daily updates on what was happening with her and the baby. I looked forward to her daily reports of how she felt and how she thought the baby was progressing.

Once news from the tests started revealing "potential" issues (week 12's tests), I kept reassuring her (and myself) that everything was going to be fine and I truly thought so. I deal with things differently than Josi does - until I have the information, I don't deal with the whatifs until it's time to do so. Once receiving the news that our son has Trisomy 13 I was simply in shock. This lasted for a while and I have to admit it was hard to be strong for my family; all I wanted to do was crawl into a small hole and stay there and not have to deal with this! How could this have happened to us and our family? Why could this have happened to us and our family? I quickly found out that this occurrence is totally "random" from a medical perspective but I couldn't help but think of "everything happens for a reason". Which means I and my family have to endure this series of experiences. Earlier the medical professionals recommended terminating the pregnancy but our beliefs and our conscious simply would not allow that to happen. I have to admit this isn't easy (but I hate to think of the alternative guilt and repercussions that aborting Samuel would bring) when I take a few moments in my mind to fast forward the next few months it seems that I deal with the grief and likelihood that our son is going to die - just the fact is horrifying and this continues again the next time I play things out in my mind and the grief sets in. In the fast pace of life this catches me a bit by surprise and when it does, it cuts like a knife straight through to my heart and it makes me stop in my tracks. Inside it seems I die a little bit and it happens over and over again. At times I wish the grief could come once already and then be done with, but I realize that is not going to happen and that is not my plight right now and I will stay the course until it's time to do so.

I would consider it a privilege and honor to be able to meet my son Samuel for a first time (as it is and was for my so beloved son Luke) and experience the love and bond only parents can know. To share the event with Josi and Luke would truly be a blessing even if short lived and with sorrow. If this could happen it would be such a blessing if even for a very short while.

If Samuel's time is destined to be short and I cannot meet my son, I will take my refuge in God's reply to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9 '... "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.' and the assurance I know Samuel is in a much better place (Matthew 19:1 'v14Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."')

Finally, when I slow down from every day life and reflect upon what matters in this world and consider God's great gift to us: Ultimate Love through his son Jesus and is echoed in many ways (e.g. loved ones, family, spouses). Understanding that love is not a feeling we get to experience that makes us feel good inside but in truth is actually dedication to serve others. To "love someone" means to truly commit to serve them. The joy of serving them generates the wonderful feelings but are "byproducts" we get to experience. This is hard work, but the results are tremendous and incredible and only a glimpse of God's love for us. The world tie us up in the hustle and bustle of getting ahead and personal gain but this promise of self gain is actually self defeating and leaves us empty. I am thankful for the love of my family and extended family and friends. I am so very thankful for my beautiful, compassionate wife. Her strength is a true blessing and inspiration and I'm so very thankful for her and her committment to me and my family. I'm so very thankful for Luke. If we did not have Luke already this experience would seem unbearable. He is a joy and a light to us during these times. I'm also thankful for Samuel. Even though it seems a tragedy for his condition, this is an experience that God has for me to endure. I will be thankful and try to glean what it is I'm supposed to glean from all of this. Most of all I'm thankful for God's promise in that He does not forget his children and takes care of them all.